Strengthening Marriage Class, Part 1

 A week ago, Scott and I started a weekly online class offered through BYU, given by Jeff and Tammy Hill. They call it, "Marital Teamwork: It Takes Flint and Steele to Make a Fire." I'm not sure why they spell steel with an e on the end--maybe it's intentional or maybe it's just a typo!

Jeff and Tammy Hill were both widowed and this is their second marriage. They have a combined total of 12 children and they freely admit that it has been very challenging. They are both open about their challenges and shortcomings--personally I would find it difficult to be so vulnerable. They are also professionals in the field of marriage and family with Tammy being a licensed marriage and family therapist and teaching marriage enrichment and prep classes at BYU. Jeff has been teaching at the School of Family Life at BYU for a long time and is the associate chair. Their goal is to give us more tools to strengthen our marriages and do it in a fun way.  They are both quite engaging in their teaching styles.  I want to share what we are learning. 

Principles from Class #1

1.  Things to remember

• Life is hard but you can do hard things. Constantly call on the Lord to help your marriage flourish
• When life doesn't go as planned, don't get frustrated but make the best of it. We invite you to choose to be less frustrated with your spouse.
• Things Take Time. We invite you to develop the virtue of patience with your spouse.

2.  Taking care of yourself will help your marriage go better:  exercise, nutrition, sleep, time in nature, breathing

• Jeff sent out an essay he wrote about how regularly going on walks in nature has helped his marriage. Somehow it's easier to discuss challenging things when you are out in nature. It's also easier to recognize the changes you need to make yourself.

3.  Focus on the positive. A 5:1 ratio of positive to negative in your marriage will greatly improve your chances of success.

Then we did an exercise where we spent two minutes exchanging specific, true, positive statements with each other.

It's always nice to hear positive words from your spouse. I frequently think them but don't always say them.

4.  Write each other love letters. That was our assignment for the week, to write at least one love letter or three if we were feeling particularly ambitious. Scott and I only wrote one each but I felt pretty good about that.

Here are some more guidelines they gave on writing a love letter:

1.  Start with a term of endearment like "My dearest Tam"

2.  Write for at least 10 minutes.

3.  Write things that are specific, true and positive along with words that express feelings.

4.  Exchange letters and read them out loud to each other. (We didn't read ours out loud to each other, actually I read mine to Scott while he was driving the car.)

They encouraged us to invest significant time, talents, and treasure into our marriage during this class so that we can claim this blessing promised by President Spencer W. Kimball:

"While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive."  "Oneness in Marriage" Ensign, March 1977