The first half of the book set the stage for the second half. The author uses case-studies that seem a little extreme with children that are just completely out-of-control so it's a little hard to identify with these case studies. She also talks about parenting styles and which are the most effective. The best parenting style is one called "authoritative", not to be confused with "authoritarian". (If someone could make these labels less similar, we'd all be better off.) The third style is permissive. Authoritative parents are "those who attempt to direct but not control their child's activities in a rational and reasonable way. They will give explanations for why they want the child to do something, encourage verbal give-and-take, and listen to the child's objections when she refuses to obey. But, if need be, they will have the final say and exert firm control when it is necessary and when it is in the child's best interests to do so." (p. 74) The description is much lengthier but this is the general idea.
She also has a few questionnaires to help you identify whether or not you are an over-indulgent parent and if your child is "underdeveloped", which she defines as a child who is basically immature for their age. Immaturity can be linked to overindulgent parents who do not ask enough of their children. However, it is clear that certain personalities in children are at higher risk for immaturity especially if their parents are over-indulging them. In some of the case-studies, the author pointed out that one or more of the other children in the family were doing just fine, but the particular personality of the troubled child and the dysfunction of the parent(s) were a bad combination. This helps me understand a little better why some children in a family seem to be fine while others struggle.
The second half of the book was a more practical application of the principles discussed in the first half. The author discusses each age range separately and what behavior the parent can expect from the child. Then she discusses "new approaches to common problems" specific to each age range. For example, in the preschooler section, one problem is dawdling. Some of her suggestions include environmental changes such as letting the child sleep in their clothes so they won't have to get dressed in the morning or letting them eat a granola bar instead of regular breakfast. She says a last resort is to use logical consequences such as taking them wherever they need to go dressed as they are or without their breakfast. I'm not sure those consequences would be meaningful, or worse, they would punish you more than the child by having a very hungry and unhappy preschooler. My solution would be different from either of those.
A problem she discussed for middle childhood (ages 7-12) was fighting. She encourages helping your children learn to be problem-solvers by "dialoguing", which is asking the child to come up with solutions. She says if dialoguing is used consistently, then it will become less necessary over time as children become better problem-solvers. Put the burden of solving the problem on the children without taking sides. For example, "It looks like you're fighting over the television again. This seems to happen a lot. What can you do about it? Can you come up with a plan that will minimize some of this fighting?" She suggests separating children briefly if they are completely out of control and telling them to come up with possible plans while they are in time-out. If they're still mad and accusatory, send them back. "Oops. Looks like you still haven't cooled off. Let me give you ten of fifteen more minutes to calm down and think. Use your time well."
As children get older (10-12) she suggests using the "work it out but settle it elsewhere" method such as sending them outside even if it's cold. I have tried this method but haven't always been consistent.
I found the section on teenagers to be fairly helpful. She discusses helping your child set goals and talks about making contracts. Contracts are made with each party giving input and give each side something that they want and define the clear outcome for positive/negative behavior. She also discusses levels. Levels require a certain kind of behavior in many different areas of a child's life and then gives them certain privileges with that level of behavior. This is frequently used in group homes for troubled teens and apparently they really like the very clear expectations that are spelled out in these "levels". I tend to want to micromanage my children's behavior and with teenagers that doesn't always go over so well. I was surprised at the amount of freedom she gave children at the top level of behavior but I guess that shows a high level of trust. I prefer to let teenagers have that large amount of freedom after they have graduated from high school, especially if they have moved out.
The final section dealt with the "underdeveloped young adult" and how to handle their problems. Fortunately my young adult children seem to be doing quite well and I can take some comfort in that.
The take-away message from this book is to have high expectations for your child and to help them learn how to become competent problem-solvers with the idea that they will become competent and happy and independent adults. It's not going to give you all the answers but is a good starting point. I would recommend this book for any parent.
So am I obsessed with parenting? I consider it just about the most important job anyone can have. But maybe I need to relax a little...
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