The second day of the conference was not quite as helpful as I had hoped it would be (my parenting is still not perfect!), but I still came away with some good tips Here are some of them:
1. Brains like anticipation and don't really like surprises. One way to help children in somewhat stressful situations is to talk to them about what's going to happen before, during and after. For example, if they have to go to the doctor and get a shot and keep stressing about it, perhaps it's good to give them that timeline (first we're going to have lunch, then we'll get in the car and go to the doctor, then afterwards we'll come home and you can have a snack) and have something rewarding at the end to anticipate. This will hopefully help them with the transitions. Then, after you have told them several times, you can use distraction to help them cope with the stress they're feeling. One mother at the conference does a lot of foster parenting and when the kids have visits with their parents, it can be very stressful for them. So this was a suggestion for how to help those children who have extra stress in their lives through no fault of their own.
2. She also recommends not saying, "Not now, later," to your child because nobody likes this kind of ambiguity. She told a funny story of how she used to work at this school in a small town and everybody would get their paycheck in the morning in their little mailbox at school and then they would use their lunch hour to go to the bank. One payday, she told the secretary at the school not to deliver their paychecks at the usual time but to hold on to them. Then when the teachers came in wanting their paychecks, the secretary would tell them, "Not now, later." It made the adults completely crazy and perhaps it drove home the lesson that they don't like to hear it any more than the kids do. She suggests that when kids are in the car wondering, "When are we going to get there?" that you use time periods that they understand. For example, 2 1/2 hours would be "3 Barneys and a Reading Rainbow" (back in the day). I'm not really sure that would stop the questions but I guess it's worth a try.
3. When you are having a conflict with your child, remind yourself that you are older, smarter, and you have skills! She told a story of how her daughter wanted to stay out past 10pm which was her curfew on school nights. It was a typical exchange. The daughter kept asking and saying "But, Mom!", and the mother kept telling her no. After the third exchange, the mother stopped responding. Instead, she told the daughter her options in a happy tone of voice. Option A: You can leave now and have 3 hours with your friends. Option B: You can stay home and have 0 minutes with your friends. What do you choose? She kept repeating that until her daughter got the point--she was not going to budge. She had stopped arguing with her daughter and the choices were clear.
4. Another helpful point was that you need to look at the whole situation when you are trying to solve a behavior problem. Solving the problem by changing the environment is so much easier. One example that she gave was a disabled woman who was in a factory line who kept whacking the person next to her. She was going to lose her job if they didn't solve this problem. So they called in Jo. She came in and immediately saw the problem. This woman was left-handed and also had poor vision in her left eye and had her right side next to the wall. So the woman next to her would touch her on the left shoulder which felt threatening to her and (which she couldn't see) so she would reflexively hit this person. They moved the disabled woman so that now her left side was next to the wall and she could see the person next to her better. They also trained the person next to her to touch her on the hand if they needed to get her attention. (This is apparently very important--just as you shake hands with people, you need to touch children on the hand to be less threatening.) Problem solved. They didn't really have to change the disabled woman's behavior; they just had to change her environment. I have certainly found that to be true--sometimes structuring the routine or environment in a certain way to lessen temptation or increase motivation makes a huge difference.
5. Limiting the behavior to a certain place also helps. For example, there was this autistic boy in a group home who would spin constantly and it would really be a problem--he would spin right in front of a door or in a main traffic area and be in the way. So they decided to let him spin as much as he wanted but only in this certain spot which was in a remote corner of the house, away from the attention. The spinning really lessened as he got less feedback for it. She also talked about having a crying rug for her daughter when she was young. She could cry as much as she wanted but she had to do it on the crying rug. I have heard of this before. Frequently the crying you can't deal with happens when you're in the middle of trying to make dinner. So the idea is that the kitchen is a happy place and if you're going to cry and be sad, then you have to go somewhere else. Then you lead the child to that spot where they can cry. I'd say it's moderately effective.
6. Another helpful point for me was remembering that children don't even start to develop the frontal lobes of their brains until they are 10, so thinking logically is not going to happen until that age. It doesn't finish developing until your mid-20's. Your frontal lobe is what helps you think about long-term consequences. Perhaps this explains why adults think quite differently from teenagers. Teenagers take risks that adults don't take. I have heard this before but I didn't really understand (or maybe I just forgot) what this meant until the presenter talked about it. Also, when children are emotional, they're not really capable of thinking logically either. So in dealing with emotion, your best tools are distraction. Telling a child to calm down is not effective. (How calm have you become when someone has told you to calm down? It usually just makes me more angry.)
She also said that with the lack of a frontal lobe, using consequences with children under 10 is not as effective. They will respond better to ritual and routine. I have definitely seen that lately with one of my children. Certain things needed to happen in the morning and consequences were not really working. Finally I came up with a routine that seems to be working much better.
7. Use the word "by" to clarify your expectations. When you ask them to do something, say "I want you to clean up your room by putting your dirty clothes in the hamper and putting the clean clothes in the dresser. When you praise them, also use the word by to make it more specific. Try saying, "Good job by putting your dirty dishes in the sink."
8. Say what you SEE and say what you WANT. This phrasing helps cut down on the excessive wording we may use when we're frustrated with our child. Instead of saying, "How many times do I have to repeat myself? I'm really so sick and tired that every time I turn around, you are not doing what I told you to do, etc." Try instead saying, "You're looking out the window. Look at your book and copy down the 5 problems."
9. Remember to not rely too heavily on consequences, but also use interventions which are really teaching replacement behaviors. She told the story of how someone had some vandalism done on his property. When the vandals were caught, the punishment he wanted for them was to write 1000x "I will not vandalize". (or something like that) She felt that punishment was all wrong because they would be thinking about the negative behavior the whole time. Instead she felt that writing something positive like "I will respect other people's property," would be much better.
As I sum up the conference about three weeks after I attended, I realized how much I forgot. I took copious notes so reading them has brought it back to me. I need to read these posts FREQUENTLY so I can remember how to make my interactions with my children more positive.
One additional point that I have remembered and thought of in the last few weeks is, "Children never rise to low expectations." It is very tempting to lower the bar when we are sick of trying to get our children to do what they're supposed to do. When my daughter was not doing what she was supposed to do in time to be picked up for her carpool, my response was to take her myself a little later so she would have more time. It didn't work. She still didn't get things done and it was costing me 15 minutes to drive her. I could give several other examples. But the message of this conference is, keep trying and keep having high expectations. We're not perfect and some days are better than others but try again tomorrow.
1. Brains like anticipation and don't really like surprises. One way to help children in somewhat stressful situations is to talk to them about what's going to happen before, during and after. For example, if they have to go to the doctor and get a shot and keep stressing about it, perhaps it's good to give them that timeline (first we're going to have lunch, then we'll get in the car and go to the doctor, then afterwards we'll come home and you can have a snack) and have something rewarding at the end to anticipate. This will hopefully help them with the transitions. Then, after you have told them several times, you can use distraction to help them cope with the stress they're feeling. One mother at the conference does a lot of foster parenting and when the kids have visits with their parents, it can be very stressful for them. So this was a suggestion for how to help those children who have extra stress in their lives through no fault of their own.
2. She also recommends not saying, "Not now, later," to your child because nobody likes this kind of ambiguity. She told a funny story of how she used to work at this school in a small town and everybody would get their paycheck in the morning in their little mailbox at school and then they would use their lunch hour to go to the bank. One payday, she told the secretary at the school not to deliver their paychecks at the usual time but to hold on to them. Then when the teachers came in wanting their paychecks, the secretary would tell them, "Not now, later." It made the adults completely crazy and perhaps it drove home the lesson that they don't like to hear it any more than the kids do. She suggests that when kids are in the car wondering, "When are we going to get there?" that you use time periods that they understand. For example, 2 1/2 hours would be "3 Barneys and a Reading Rainbow" (back in the day). I'm not really sure that would stop the questions but I guess it's worth a try.
3. When you are having a conflict with your child, remind yourself that you are older, smarter, and you have skills! She told a story of how her daughter wanted to stay out past 10pm which was her curfew on school nights. It was a typical exchange. The daughter kept asking and saying "But, Mom!", and the mother kept telling her no. After the third exchange, the mother stopped responding. Instead, she told the daughter her options in a happy tone of voice. Option A: You can leave now and have 3 hours with your friends. Option B: You can stay home and have 0 minutes with your friends. What do you choose? She kept repeating that until her daughter got the point--she was not going to budge. She had stopped arguing with her daughter and the choices were clear.
4. Another helpful point was that you need to look at the whole situation when you are trying to solve a behavior problem. Solving the problem by changing the environment is so much easier. One example that she gave was a disabled woman who was in a factory line who kept whacking the person next to her. She was going to lose her job if they didn't solve this problem. So they called in Jo. She came in and immediately saw the problem. This woman was left-handed and also had poor vision in her left eye and had her right side next to the wall. So the woman next to her would touch her on the left shoulder which felt threatening to her and (which she couldn't see) so she would reflexively hit this person. They moved the disabled woman so that now her left side was next to the wall and she could see the person next to her better. They also trained the person next to her to touch her on the hand if they needed to get her attention. (This is apparently very important--just as you shake hands with people, you need to touch children on the hand to be less threatening.) Problem solved. They didn't really have to change the disabled woman's behavior; they just had to change her environment. I have certainly found that to be true--sometimes structuring the routine or environment in a certain way to lessen temptation or increase motivation makes a huge difference.
5. Limiting the behavior to a certain place also helps. For example, there was this autistic boy in a group home who would spin constantly and it would really be a problem--he would spin right in front of a door or in a main traffic area and be in the way. So they decided to let him spin as much as he wanted but only in this certain spot which was in a remote corner of the house, away from the attention. The spinning really lessened as he got less feedback for it. She also talked about having a crying rug for her daughter when she was young. She could cry as much as she wanted but she had to do it on the crying rug. I have heard of this before. Frequently the crying you can't deal with happens when you're in the middle of trying to make dinner. So the idea is that the kitchen is a happy place and if you're going to cry and be sad, then you have to go somewhere else. Then you lead the child to that spot where they can cry. I'd say it's moderately effective.
6. Another helpful point for me was remembering that children don't even start to develop the frontal lobes of their brains until they are 10, so thinking logically is not going to happen until that age. It doesn't finish developing until your mid-20's. Your frontal lobe is what helps you think about long-term consequences. Perhaps this explains why adults think quite differently from teenagers. Teenagers take risks that adults don't take. I have heard this before but I didn't really understand (or maybe I just forgot) what this meant until the presenter talked about it. Also, when children are emotional, they're not really capable of thinking logically either. So in dealing with emotion, your best tools are distraction. Telling a child to calm down is not effective. (How calm have you become when someone has told you to calm down? It usually just makes me more angry.)
She also said that with the lack of a frontal lobe, using consequences with children under 10 is not as effective. They will respond better to ritual and routine. I have definitely seen that lately with one of my children. Certain things needed to happen in the morning and consequences were not really working. Finally I came up with a routine that seems to be working much better.
7. Use the word "by" to clarify your expectations. When you ask them to do something, say "I want you to clean up your room by putting your dirty clothes in the hamper and putting the clean clothes in the dresser. When you praise them, also use the word by to make it more specific. Try saying, "Good job by putting your dirty dishes in the sink."
8. Say what you SEE and say what you WANT. This phrasing helps cut down on the excessive wording we may use when we're frustrated with our child. Instead of saying, "How many times do I have to repeat myself? I'm really so sick and tired that every time I turn around, you are not doing what I told you to do, etc." Try instead saying, "You're looking out the window. Look at your book and copy down the 5 problems."
9. Remember to not rely too heavily on consequences, but also use interventions which are really teaching replacement behaviors. She told the story of how someone had some vandalism done on his property. When the vandals were caught, the punishment he wanted for them was to write 1000x "I will not vandalize". (or something like that) She felt that punishment was all wrong because they would be thinking about the negative behavior the whole time. Instead she felt that writing something positive like "I will respect other people's property," would be much better.
As I sum up the conference about three weeks after I attended, I realized how much I forgot. I took copious notes so reading them has brought it back to me. I need to read these posts FREQUENTLY so I can remember how to make my interactions with my children more positive.
One additional point that I have remembered and thought of in the last few weeks is, "Children never rise to low expectations." It is very tempting to lower the bar when we are sick of trying to get our children to do what they're supposed to do. When my daughter was not doing what she was supposed to do in time to be picked up for her carpool, my response was to take her myself a little later so she would have more time. It didn't work. She still didn't get things done and it was costing me 15 minutes to drive her. I could give several other examples. But the message of this conference is, keep trying and keep having high expectations. We're not perfect and some days are better than others but try again tomorrow.
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