Last week I got to go to Education Week at BYU for four days. It was great. I took copious notes and hope to review them frequently so I can remember what I learned.
One class I enjoyed was "Raising Responsible, Emotionally Mature Children", taught by Roger K. Allen. The big idea I brought home from his class was that I need to let my children own their problems. It's cultivating an attitude of trusting your children to be able to solve their problems and not being afraid that they won't. Starting from fear leads to weakening our children by over-managing them which is, "Telling, prodding, reminding, lecturing, giving too much advice, criticizing, interrogating, nagging, etc." I'm definitely guilty of over-managing.
Yesterday was a perfect example of over-managing. At the end of the day, it felt like I had spent SO much energy trying to get my youngest two to eat enough, sleep enough, and get their homework done. I do that because, frankly, they don't do it on their own. So I was impatient and I got a little angry at times. I really want to do better with that.
Roger says that parenting is not about getting kids to be different; it's about changing our response to be calm, confident, and connected. Instead of solving the problem for them the way we think it should be, you ask "valuing" questions like "What do you feel about this?" "What are the consequences? Is this what you want?" "What choices do you have?" This way the child can lead themselves to the solution they want instead of the parent over-managing or over-indulging them.
Today started out a little better. My youngest daughter was not a very motivated child this morning. She was tired because she didn't go to sleep when she was supposed to. She didn't use her time well so she ended up being late to school. Thankfully, I was able to remain calm. As we walked together, she told me she hated being late. So I tried to ask valuing questions: "Why do you think you were late?" She said, "Maybe I need more time in the morning." We kept talking and the end result was that she decided she needed to use her time better to get ready so she wouldn't be late. I feel quite confident that this is not the end of her lateness (a chronic problem last year) but I'm hopeful that I can remain calm and help her recognize that the power is in her to solve this problem.
Part of the challenge is recognizing when we're doing something for our children that they can do themselves. Roger said that when his children turned 5 years old, they each got an alarm clock and were taught to set it. After that they were expected to get themselves up on their own. That seems really young to me but it seems like a good message to send your kids: I trust you to be responsible enough to get up on your own. He said if the child wasn't getting up like they needed to, then they would be having conversations and setting limits if necessary. But the point is, they can get themselves up.
Another good example he gave was when his daughter decided to set limits on use of the Wii for her boys. She had a little meeting with them and told them what the parameters were. The older son tried to argue with her and tell her how dumb it was. She didn't get sucked into the argument but kept on stating the rules including the consequences. Then she had them restate the consequences so everyone was clear. The older son continued to argue and had some attitude going but she ignored it and kept saying, Nevertheless...these are the rules.
Roger has written a book called "Raising Responsible, Emotionally Mature Children" which costs about $15 and maybe I'll buy it. He wasn't allowed to promote it in the class--I just found it looking around online: https://www.createspace.com/5248028
One class I enjoyed was "Raising Responsible, Emotionally Mature Children", taught by Roger K. Allen. The big idea I brought home from his class was that I need to let my children own their problems. It's cultivating an attitude of trusting your children to be able to solve their problems and not being afraid that they won't. Starting from fear leads to weakening our children by over-managing them which is, "Telling, prodding, reminding, lecturing, giving too much advice, criticizing, interrogating, nagging, etc." I'm definitely guilty of over-managing.
Yesterday was a perfect example of over-managing. At the end of the day, it felt like I had spent SO much energy trying to get my youngest two to eat enough, sleep enough, and get their homework done. I do that because, frankly, they don't do it on their own. So I was impatient and I got a little angry at times. I really want to do better with that.
Roger says that parenting is not about getting kids to be different; it's about changing our response to be calm, confident, and connected. Instead of solving the problem for them the way we think it should be, you ask "valuing" questions like "What do you feel about this?" "What are the consequences? Is this what you want?" "What choices do you have?" This way the child can lead themselves to the solution they want instead of the parent over-managing or over-indulging them.
Today started out a little better. My youngest daughter was not a very motivated child this morning. She was tired because she didn't go to sleep when she was supposed to. She didn't use her time well so she ended up being late to school. Thankfully, I was able to remain calm. As we walked together, she told me she hated being late. So I tried to ask valuing questions: "Why do you think you were late?" She said, "Maybe I need more time in the morning." We kept talking and the end result was that she decided she needed to use her time better to get ready so she wouldn't be late. I feel quite confident that this is not the end of her lateness (a chronic problem last year) but I'm hopeful that I can remain calm and help her recognize that the power is in her to solve this problem.
Part of the challenge is recognizing when we're doing something for our children that they can do themselves. Roger said that when his children turned 5 years old, they each got an alarm clock and were taught to set it. After that they were expected to get themselves up on their own. That seems really young to me but it seems like a good message to send your kids: I trust you to be responsible enough to get up on your own. He said if the child wasn't getting up like they needed to, then they would be having conversations and setting limits if necessary. But the point is, they can get themselves up.
Another good example he gave was when his daughter decided to set limits on use of the Wii for her boys. She had a little meeting with them and told them what the parameters were. The older son tried to argue with her and tell her how dumb it was. She didn't get sucked into the argument but kept on stating the rules including the consequences. Then she had them restate the consequences so everyone was clear. The older son continued to argue and had some attitude going but she ignored it and kept saying, Nevertheless...these are the rules.
Roger has written a book called "Raising Responsible, Emotionally Mature Children" which costs about $15 and maybe I'll buy it. He wasn't allowed to promote it in the class--I just found it looking around online: https://www.createspace.com/5248028
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