Speaking about Unity

 Scott and I spoke in church recently.  Here is what I said:

The word unity has been a difficult one for me because I don't usually understand what it means when people talk about it. Is it just a lack of conflict? Does everyone have to agree about everything in order to have it? How do you even know if people are feeling the same way you do? It turns out that unity is actually a commandment given by the Lord to his disciples: "If ye are not one, ye are not mine." This definitely raises the stakes. In our last General Conference, Elder Cook said, "Unity is a broad comprehensive term but most certainly exemplifies the first and second great commandments to love God and love our fellowmen. It denotes a Zion people whose hearts and minds are "knit together in unity." Elder Cook is saying that we can move closer to being one as we individually grow in love of God and man. I would like to share three suggestion to help us achieve this. They are observing, praying, and forgiving.

My first suggestion is observing when you see unity in your life. When I thought about times of unity, I thought of temple dedications. Perhaps you remember when the Nauvoo Temple was dedicated in 2000. It was broadcast to stake centers around the world. That was a really wonderful moment when surely those present felt the Spirit of the Lord. Maybe we will experience that again when the Salt Lake Temple is rededicated. In 2019, the church announced that they would build the Tooele temple in a nearby rural community. Included in the plan was a housing development to protect the land around the temple as well as to bring in the infrastructure needed. While a large majority of the community approved that location and plan, some of the residents raised objections. The church modified the plans to answer those objections but they were still unhappy and they started a petition to force a referendum on it. While the petition was not successful in getting all the signatures needed and the church could have easily won this legal battle, the church decided to withdraw their plan for that location and announced the temple would be built somewhere else. They said, “There is a sincere desire on the part of the church to avoid discord in the community.” In doing so, they were following Christ’s instructions to avoid contention when he said, "he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me but is of the devil, who is the father of contention." Observing moments of unity helps us better understand it.

My second suggestion is praying. The act of kneeling to pray shows a desire to be more unified with the Great Lord of the Universe. The Bible Dictionary says that prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. When I pray I feel greater love for the people I pray for, such as people my missionary daughter has asked us to pray for even though I don’t know them. Prayer changes hearts and can unify us. Vai Sikahema, a member of our church who has been prominent in the community in Philadelphia, shared a story about the Philadelphia Temple in which prayer played a significant role. The Philadelphia Temple was announced in 2008 but then nothing happened. Brother Sikahema wondered what was going on--having a temple there in Philadelphia was something his family had greatly desired for many years and Philadelphia was the largest city in the country without one. Finally in 2010, he was invited to a meeting with the mayor and Bishop Davies of the Presiding Bishopric. In the meeting, he found out that after the church announced the temple there, the city had formed an agency to take back the property the church had acquired for the temple. I think the mayor wanted a business there that would produce more revenue for the city. Vai Sikahema felt impressed to share with the mayor how his parents had sold almost everything they owned when he was 5 years old to take their family to the temple. He told the mayor this temple was hugely important to the church members in the area and it would have a positive impact on the mayor’s life as well. After he spoke, the mayor said he felt impressed to have Bishop Davies close the meeting with prayer. As Bishop Davies prayed, he blessed the mayor, he blessed the city of Philadelphia and he blessed the project to move forward. A few months later they were able to break ground and start building the temple there. In the end Brother Sikahema felt that the Holy Ghost had made the difference and moved upon the mayor to change his mind.  People always have their agency but sincere prayer can only help in our efforts towards unity.

My last suggestion is forgiving. When Peter asked Christ how often he had to forgive someone, Christ told a parable. A servant owed his king a huge amount of money, something like a billion dollars. The king told him he and his family would have to be sold to pay this debt. The servant begged for mercy and the king told him his debt was completely forgiven. Then this servant went out and found someone who owed him a much smaller amount of money and wouldn’t forgive the debt but threw him into jail. The king found out and asked the servant why he couldn’t extend the same compassion that had been shown to him. This parable reminds us of God’s willingness to forgive our numerous sins and our need to forgive others. Sometimes we don’t realize our need to forgive. Here’s an example: Our youngest daughter was born about 4 months early and spent her first 5 months in the NICU. Because she was so early, her outcome was very uncertain. A few of the medical professionals helping her wanted to make sure we had a realistic idea of what to expect for our daughter’s future and sometimes this felt really hurtful. A nurse who cared for Camille on one of her first days of life was particularly abrasive. I came away from that experience harboring a small grudge against her. A few months later, I was feeling discouraged and I prayed one morning to see God’s hand in my life. When I went to the hospital that day, that  nurse who had offended me was caring for Camille once again and this time we had a much more positive interaction which helped me to forgive her for the insensitive comments she had made earlier. I didn’t realize I needed to forgive her, but God did. These were the only two times I saw this woman--when I chose to be offended and when I chose to forgive, because we always have the choice to take offense and the choice to forgive. I had the luxury of seeing this woman act much more positively which made it easier to forgive her but frequently we have to forgive people even when they don’t seem sorry. I recently read a suggestion that in our preparations to take the sacrament we ask ourselves, Is my heart right with everyone? Do I have bad feelings about anyone that I need to forgive? I believe the Lord will bring to our remembrance things we need to forgive if we ask him to. In her recent conference talk, Sister Sharon Eubank quoted her Relief Society president as saying, “I will see you for who you are at your best.” I would amend that to say, I will choose to see you for who you are at your best. What a wonderful goal! I once read a book on forgiveness that suggested we tune our mind to the gratitude channel when we find ourselves thinking about how we were hurt. I find it helpful to also remember how much I need to be forgiven for my offenses. None of us want to be judged for our worst sins. Forgiveness is essential to unity.

Ultimately, only through Christ is true unity accomplished. His Atonement or At One Ment makes it possible for us to be one with God as He heals us from bondage to our sins and weaknesses. But sometimes we can get discouraged. It can feel like we are stuck in so many different ways. Right now our nation feels very stuck in conflict. I would like to share a story I heard recently. An extended family went to see a popular Disney movie. In the middle of the movie the 4 year-old granddaughter Lucy became very distressed when the heroine, her favorite Disney princess, became stuck in a life-threatening situation. The adults around her comforted the little girl that this was just the middle of the story and there would be a happy ending and the princess would be saved which, of course, she was. Later, this little girl’s grandmother went to visit her own mother who had dementia. Seeing her mother like this was quite distressing to her but she felt the Spirit remind her that this was just the middle of the story. Her mother would not be stuck in this spot forever but would have her own happy ending thanks to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. We are all in the middle of our story and the ending will be more glorious than we can imagine.

I testify that God wants us to be unified with him so that we can live the life that He lives. He wants us to feel the eternal peace and joy that He has. Any sacrifice we make to accomplish that will be worth it.

Here is what Scott said:

Paula and I were asked to talk about Unity. Unity means that we become one in thought, desire, and purpose first with our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ, and then with other Saints. The problem with unity is that it is just hard. Our relationships with other people can show us how painfully far we are from this ideal of becoming one with Christ. In 1 John 4:20 we read that if we say we love God but hate our brother, we are liars. And that, I think, is the central problem with unity. We’re doing fine until we have to get along with someone else. It’s like that prayer, “Dear Lord, I am thankful that so far today I haven’t done anything I regret. I haven’t spoken badly about anyone or said anything hurtful. But in a few minutes I’m going to get out of bed and then I’m really going to need your help.”

When I was a missionary, I was promoted from being a Junior Companion in my second transfer. My new companion and I were “co-senior” companions, even though he had been out nearly a year longer than I. As “co-senior” companions, we alternated who would plan each day. That may have been a good theory but it didn’t work out. I didn’t like the way my companion planned his days because it seemed to me that he didn’t really want to do any missionary work. So I gradually took over. Although my companion reluctantly went along with this for a while, he was very frustrated and unhappy. I was oblivious. Eventually he couldn’t take it anymore and there was a big confrontation that ended with my being transferred.

What should unity have looked like in that situation? Actually, I didn’t know. It was a difficult situation for me. One of the mission rules is to stay with your companion. But what are you supposed to do when your companion doesn’t want to obey the rules? When I was transferred out of that area I realized that I had missed my opportunity to help this missionary. The Holy Spirit told me then that my companion didn’t need my judgment. He needed my compassion. I sometimes think of a similar, but much more significant, story. When Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, the Lord commanded them to cleave to one another. He also told them not to eat the fruit of the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Everything was going smoothly for a while until (Moses 4:12) Eve “took of the fruit... and did eat and also gave unto her husband…” In that moment, Adam had a choice. No matter what he chose, he was in trouble. He could have gone back to the Lord and said, “Hey, uh, this one is defective. Can you make another one for me?” But he didn’t. He chose to be with his wife. That is what unity looked like in that situation. Every relationship, sooner or later, will run into conflict. Every friendship, parent/child, sibling, work, church relationship will face conflict. Is conflict bad? Is conflict the opposite o

Here is a scene that maybe has played out in some form in your life. Jamie and Sarah are at home with their mom. Jamie left her toy in the living room yesterday and never put it away. Sarah finds it today and starts playing with it. Jamie discovers this and tries to take the toy back. Sarah says no. “Mom! Sarah won’t give me back my toy -- the one I got for my birthday!” Sarah says, “You don’t even care about it. You left it out so I am playing with it.” Jamie replies, “But it’s MY toy!” Sarah says, “But I found it first.” “It belongs to me. It’s mine!” “You were supposed to put it away yesterday so now I get to play with it.” Who is right? What are you supposed to do?

Actually, they are both right and yet they are both wrong. If you are the parent, you might solve this problem by holding both Jamie and Sarah close and explaining, “You are both right and you are both acting selfishly. In our family we want to be happy together. That means we need to find ways to show love to each other and to overcome our tendency for selfishness. Can you each tell me how you can show love for one another right now in this situation?”

Here is another conflict story, perhaps more common than we might wish. Paula and I were engaged. Neither one of us had a car. One day I borrowed my roommate’s car to drive to a wedding reception. It was somewhere out in the confusing mess of AF, PG, Alpine, Highland where the city changes every few blocks and randomly 700 west becomes 1500 south. Being from out of town, I had no idea where we were going in that pre-GPS era. Paula also didn’t know where we were going, but that didn’t stop her from calling out instructions that I rarely followed. The tension in the car escalated. What should unity look like in that situation? In my research at work, I use lasers. Sometimes we need to focus a laser beam to a very small spot. If you want to use a lens to focus a beam of light to the smallest possible spot, all of the rays of light need to be going in the same direction before you put the lens in the way. In physics, when this happens we say the light is “coherent.”

There is an analogy here to our discussion about unity. You and I are like the rays of light. Christ is like the lens. Unity in this example can be like the super concentrated spot of light on the other side of the lens. If we want to be as united as possible, we need to be going in the same direction, and that direction is directly towards Christ. Only as we pass through Christ can we be unified.

Nephi tried to achieve coherence with his brothers. He could have had unity with them if he gave up on following Lehi. But the unity Christ asks of us is not “no arguments at all costs.” He says, “Come unto me.” So Nephi encouraged his brothers to move closer to Christ even though they weren’t particularly interested. For decades he tried to help them. They were occasionally faithful, but faith never seemed to be deep in their hearts. Eventually Nephi had to break their relationship. Harmony is not the primary goal in a relationship, but the byproduct of people working together and individually to become more Christlike.

To me, one of the most impressive examples of unity is in 1 Ne 5. While Nephi and his brothers were in Jerusalem getting the brass plates from Laban, Sariah worried. As the days went by, Sariah became more and more anxious about her sons. What if they don’t come back? What if this dream Lehi had about coming into the desert or sending her boys back to Jerusalem wasn’t really inspired? How would they survive in the desert without their sons? And then one day, probably when Lehi was oblivious to Sariah’s concerns, the floodgates opened. “I CANT BELIEVE YOU SENT OUR BOYS BACK TO JERUSALEM FOR THOSE STUPID PLATES. LABAN WILL PROBABLY KILL OUR BOYS. THEY PROBABLY DIDN’T EVEN MAKE IT BACK TO JERUSALEM BUT GOT KILLED BY THUGS IN THE DESERT. AND NOW WE’RE STUCK OUT HERE IN THIS BARREN WILDERNESS. WHY DID WE LISTEN TO YOU AND YOUR SILLY DREAMS? OUR LIVES BACK IN JERUSALEM WERE PERFECT.”

But Lehi, in my imagination, invites her to sit down. They face each other, knee to knee, hand in hand. Lehi sits on the edge of his chair, looks earnestly into Sariah’s eyes, and with deep compassion says, “I know that I am a visionary man.” His voice is full of sympathy and the subtext is “I know this little camping trip is painful, that we had a beautiful home in Jerusalem, that you left everything there to come to this wasteland and live with these smelly camels.” Lehi says, “If I had not seen the things of God in a vision [we would] have perished [in Jerusalem]. But behold, I have obtained a land of promise... and I know that the Lord will deliver my sons out of the hands of Laban and bring them down again unto us in the wilderness.” 

Here is a conflict. Sariah complains against Lehi. Does Lehi say, “Look, I’m the prophet and I know what I’m doing.” No. Does he say, “You always complain about everything.” No. Does he say, “It’s not fair that every time I try to do the Lord’s will you just criticize me.” Does he say, “Whatever” and roll his eyes and clam up? No. He validates Sariah, acknowledging her sacrifices. He expresses his love for her. He doesn’t back away from his convictions, but affirms his faith in God and encourages her faith as well. Probably Sariah continued to worry. But when her boys returned, she was relieved and thrilled beyond belief. She says to Lehi, “Now I know of a surety that the Lord … commanded [you] to flee into the wilderness; yea, and I also know of a surety that the Lord hath protected my sons.”

Sometimes we think that conflict in any relationship (church, work, home, family) is “bad.” But conflict is an invitation to grow. Conflicts tell us something about our relationship with Christ, if we are listening. For people cannot love God, whom they have not seen, if they do not love their brothers and sisters, whom they have seen. The command that Christ has given us is this: all who love God must love their brother or sister also. (1 John 4:20,21)

Our desire to be with Christ overpowers our need for self justification. Let me conclude by bearing testimony that as we strive to become more like Christ, we will become aware of ways we need to change. Sometimes that will be revealed in our relationships with one another. If we accept these invitations to grow, we can be one with Christ, and one with those in our lives who are also striving to be closer to Christ. As we answer the Lord’s call to love the unlovable in our lives, invest deeply in our family relationships and other close friendships, our personal ministering, we can also help others to become closer to Christ.

And here's the amazing pie Scott made for our dinner: