This last weekend I attended a parenting conference and I would like to share some of the ideas I learned. This parenting conference was specifically targeted to parents of children with disabilities; however, the concepts are applicable to parents of any child. The conference was long--about 9-10 hours of instruction not counting the breaks so I am going to break down the concepts into a few different posts. The presenter for the whole conference was a woman named Jo Mascorro who has a masters of education and is a consultant for education based in San Antonio, Texas. She is quite entertaining and had us laughing many times throughout. I believe she specializes in working with families who have children in special education. Some children in special education have huge behavioral issues and it sounds like she has seen it all.
Her message on the first day was to focus on ourselves and our behavior as parents. The reality is that we can only control ourselves. If we think about how difficult it is to change our own behavior, then how difficult must it be to change others?
1. How do we respond to our children? What is our tone of voice? What body postures and facial expressions do we have? She encouraged us to use body language that says to our child, "I want you here. You are safe and I will help you."
We need to model the behavior that we want from our children. There are three ways to communicate: telling them, showing them, and getting them to do it. The least effective way is by only telling them and using words. Retention and learning will increase the more ways we teach them. I tried this by telling my daughter it was time to go get ready for bed and when she didn't respond (very typical), I picked up her hand and slowly walked with her over to the stairs. I need to do more of that. She was willing to go but her brain needed help focusing on that task.
The instructor focused a lot on how the brain functions. The brain craves feedback. A child with a disability doesn't have all the functions (sight, attention deficit, etc.) they need to get feedback so they get it in other ways by acting out. When a child acts poorly, suddenly things become very exciting as everyone responds to them and they are getting tons of feedback. Plus, they have little control over their lives and behavior is one control they have.
2. Phrasing is everything when we talk to our children. We tend to take ownership and accountability away from our children when we say "If you do this, then I'll do this." For example, saying, "If you hit your sister, I'll send you to your room." Instead she suggests that we say it differently. "If you do this, you're telling me this." She talked about how her daughter would have a friend over and they would tell her they were bored after 10 minutes. So she told them they needed to go outside to play. When they didn't want to, she said, "If you don't go outside, you're telling me that you don't want to play with your friend and she'll have to go home." This method gives the child more ownership over the problem. I tried this with my son when he was mad at me for taking away his hoodie when he left it on the floor of the kitchen. "When you leave your hoodie on the floor, you're telling me you don't really want it." I'm not sure it helped him be any happier about the situation but I felt like a better parent! I was so calm!
3. She recommends not lowering expectations (children will never rise to low expectations) but not focusing on control. She also said that parents want things done "Right now!" (Come clean up your room right now!) but that is an unrealistic expectation. The brain doesn't like spontaneity and wants anticipation instead. If we were watching a favorite TV show and someone walked in and ordered us to turn it off "right now!", how happy would we be about that? I have to admit, I have used the phrase plenty of times. My youngest is particularly bad about responding quickly so being told that "right now" is unrealistic is probably a good thing for me to hear. In the past, I have told my children, "We are going to leave in x minutes." That seems like a good parenting technique that I need to use more often. Plus more patience as I let my daughter do things by herself that she really needs to learn. I think I need to build that extra time into my schedule.
4. The main points she wanted us to remember were these:
a. The brain is always recording, imprinting, learning, no matter positive or negative.
b. Behavior is communication--more than just non-compliance or attention-seeking.
c. When there is a problem, we need to slow down, prevent/distract, and disengage.
d. We need to teach the behavior we want--a replacement behavior.
She told a story of being on an airplane behind a little three-year-old who was playing a game of peek-a-boo with her. She had her hands up on the seat in front of her. Suddenly the little boy hit her hands really hard. The mother said, "Play nice!" (Completely ineffective.) So the next time he tried to hit her hands, she trapped his hand with both of hers. Then she mouthed the words, "No Hit" and shook her head. Then she stroked his hand and mouthed "Touch Nice" and nodded. She repeated that a couple of times and then let go of his hand. She had slowed down the conflict by not speaking sharply to him and she had demonstrated the behavior she wanted.
She says, "Land on the behavior you want." For example, if a child is hitting, give them permission to be mad but to hit their hand instead of hit their sister. "In our family, we don't hit. You can be mad at your sister, but you can't hit her. Instead, you can hit your hand." She talked about working with a little boy who liked to be like Spiderman. She taught him that when he had situations where he got in trouble with hitting people (ie, in the car with his sister), he needed to glue his hands to his side with his spiderman powers and keep them there. Don't focus excessively on the bad behavior because that is what will stick in their brain.
5. She taught us that when we respond to a child who is having a meltdown, we need to model the behavior we want and do the exact opposite of what the child is doing. If the child is yelling, we get very quiet and we talk slowly. If they are using lots of words, we use few words. The reality is that when a child is mainly using the emotional part of the brain, then the learning cortex has shut down and they're not even really capable to listening/understanding us. So our goal is not to stop the meltdown but to keep it from getting worse. Distraction is a good tool. She also suggested not getting too close to a child who is mad (how much do you want someone to touch you when you're mad?), but give them a little space.
I enjoyed having some new things to think about as I continue my parenting journey. I've already been a parent almost 23 years and yet I still feel very much a novice at times. I really want to be a better parent.
Her message on the first day was to focus on ourselves and our behavior as parents. The reality is that we can only control ourselves. If we think about how difficult it is to change our own behavior, then how difficult must it be to change others?
1. How do we respond to our children? What is our tone of voice? What body postures and facial expressions do we have? She encouraged us to use body language that says to our child, "I want you here. You are safe and I will help you."
We need to model the behavior that we want from our children. There are three ways to communicate: telling them, showing them, and getting them to do it. The least effective way is by only telling them and using words. Retention and learning will increase the more ways we teach them. I tried this by telling my daughter it was time to go get ready for bed and when she didn't respond (very typical), I picked up her hand and slowly walked with her over to the stairs. I need to do more of that. She was willing to go but her brain needed help focusing on that task.
The instructor focused a lot on how the brain functions. The brain craves feedback. A child with a disability doesn't have all the functions (sight, attention deficit, etc.) they need to get feedback so they get it in other ways by acting out. When a child acts poorly, suddenly things become very exciting as everyone responds to them and they are getting tons of feedback. Plus, they have little control over their lives and behavior is one control they have.
2. Phrasing is everything when we talk to our children. We tend to take ownership and accountability away from our children when we say "If you do this, then I'll do this." For example, saying, "If you hit your sister, I'll send you to your room." Instead she suggests that we say it differently. "If you do this, you're telling me this." She talked about how her daughter would have a friend over and they would tell her they were bored after 10 minutes. So she told them they needed to go outside to play. When they didn't want to, she said, "If you don't go outside, you're telling me that you don't want to play with your friend and she'll have to go home." This method gives the child more ownership over the problem. I tried this with my son when he was mad at me for taking away his hoodie when he left it on the floor of the kitchen. "When you leave your hoodie on the floor, you're telling me you don't really want it." I'm not sure it helped him be any happier about the situation but I felt like a better parent! I was so calm!
3. She recommends not lowering expectations (children will never rise to low expectations) but not focusing on control. She also said that parents want things done "Right now!" (Come clean up your room right now!) but that is an unrealistic expectation. The brain doesn't like spontaneity and wants anticipation instead. If we were watching a favorite TV show and someone walked in and ordered us to turn it off "right now!", how happy would we be about that? I have to admit, I have used the phrase plenty of times. My youngest is particularly bad about responding quickly so being told that "right now" is unrealistic is probably a good thing for me to hear. In the past, I have told my children, "We are going to leave in x minutes." That seems like a good parenting technique that I need to use more often. Plus more patience as I let my daughter do things by herself that she really needs to learn. I think I need to build that extra time into my schedule.
4. The main points she wanted us to remember were these:
a. The brain is always recording, imprinting, learning, no matter positive or negative.
b. Behavior is communication--more than just non-compliance or attention-seeking.
c. When there is a problem, we need to slow down, prevent/distract, and disengage.
d. We need to teach the behavior we want--a replacement behavior.
She told a story of being on an airplane behind a little three-year-old who was playing a game of peek-a-boo with her. She had her hands up on the seat in front of her. Suddenly the little boy hit her hands really hard. The mother said, "Play nice!" (Completely ineffective.) So the next time he tried to hit her hands, she trapped his hand with both of hers. Then she mouthed the words, "No Hit" and shook her head. Then she stroked his hand and mouthed "Touch Nice" and nodded. She repeated that a couple of times and then let go of his hand. She had slowed down the conflict by not speaking sharply to him and she had demonstrated the behavior she wanted.
She says, "Land on the behavior you want." For example, if a child is hitting, give them permission to be mad but to hit their hand instead of hit their sister. "In our family, we don't hit. You can be mad at your sister, but you can't hit her. Instead, you can hit your hand." She talked about working with a little boy who liked to be like Spiderman. She taught him that when he had situations where he got in trouble with hitting people (ie, in the car with his sister), he needed to glue his hands to his side with his spiderman powers and keep them there. Don't focus excessively on the bad behavior because that is what will stick in their brain.
5. She taught us that when we respond to a child who is having a meltdown, we need to model the behavior we want and do the exact opposite of what the child is doing. If the child is yelling, we get very quiet and we talk slowly. If they are using lots of words, we use few words. The reality is that when a child is mainly using the emotional part of the brain, then the learning cortex has shut down and they're not even really capable to listening/understanding us. So our goal is not to stop the meltdown but to keep it from getting worse. Distraction is a good tool. She also suggested not getting too close to a child who is mad (how much do you want someone to touch you when you're mad?), but give them a little space.
I enjoyed having some new things to think about as I continue my parenting journey. I've already been a parent almost 23 years and yet I still feel very much a novice at times. I really want to be a better parent.
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