Recently I read Between Parent and Child by Dr. Haim G. Ginott, revised and updated by Dr. Alice Ginott and Dr. H. Wallace Goddard. We were on a recent marathon road trip (6000 miles!) and I read the first half of the book out loud to my husband as he drove us home. I enjoyed discussing the ideas in the book with him and ways we can improve as parents, even if we didn't always agree with the book.
I liked the first part of the book fairly well. The basic premise is that parents need to treat children respectfully, especially in the way they talk with them. The conclusion they draw is that when you have established that good foundation of mutual respect with your child that the child will become the responsible and caring individual you want them to be. I may never feel comfortable talking to my children the way they recommend (basically tell them the same thing they just said to you without a lot of questions) but this basic point was well-taken. However, while the book had some good ideas, it was not without flaws.
Here is one idea I liked: "From minor mishaps children can learn major lessons in values. Children need to learn from their parents to distinguish between events that are merely unpleasant and annoying and those that are tragic or catastrophic." This is an idea that I have been thinking about for a while. I used to get upset when my children would spill milk, break something, lost something, etc. But I have decided that my getting upset doesn't really prevent further accidents or solve the current problem. In addition, I want my children to know that "things" are not that important.
When one of my children totaled the car a few years ago, I can't say I was happy about it but I stayed mostly calm. I'm working on having an attitude that says "I'm really glad you weren't hurt, cars can be replaced, and let's figure out how to prevent accidents like this in the future." I do need to get better at being more sympathetic, especially when it's something I've already told them MANY times.
Related to this was another idea I liked: "Every parent needs to learn economical methods of responding to children, so that minor mishaps do not turn into major catastrophes." The point was that parents tend to repeat themselves and overstate the obvious, as they further alienate their children. I'm guilty of this. When I'm frustrated with my children, I want them to know! I'm usually looking for deep sorrow from my child for this thing they have done, but I don't usually get it, so I keep going on and on to make sure they've really gotten my point. It's particularly ineffective with teenagers. Maybe someday I can change this...
As for the flaws in the book, I found the chapter on responsibility to be very problematic. Their approach is that you transmit values to your child without demanding compliance. They suggest that learning responsibility comes from within and not from chores, homework, etc. Really? I can't think of many children that "choose" to be responsible without being held accountable. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. It's a parent's job to help children learn how to do hard things, so that someday they can do it on their own! Later it's a choice...not now. Not to mention how chaotic our home would be if chores became optional.
Here is their advice on homework: "From the first grade on, parents' attitudes should convey that homework is strictly the responsibility of the child and the teacher. Parents should not nag children about homework. They should not supervise or check the homework, except at the invitation of the children."
For some children, this attitude may be completely appropriate. I was one of those children who was completely self-motivated when it came to school. But looking around, this is definitely NOT a good idea for every child. The natural consequences of not doing homework and doing poorly in school are too far away. Grades are not always motivating. In the meantime, bad habits are being formed and important learning is not happening. Children who struggle in school frequently need help with organizational skills and may have learning disabilities. I feel strongly that, it is a parent's duty to make their best effort to help their children learn the skills and discipline they need to be successful in school. It will probably take a lot of hard work and creative approaches to help your child figure it out and maybe they won't completely--but at least you will have tried. The authors suggested that if your child is struggling in school, they might need psychotherapy. Maybe some children need that, but certainly not a majority.
Another major point of disagreement for me in this chapter was the section on learning musical instruments. "To acquire the difficult skill of playing a musical instrument, a child needs appreciation for effort without criticism for errors." That's true--being positive will make a huge difference. Then it suggests that the key is in finding a motivating teacher and not nagging the child to practice. As a former music teacher, I say that is putting too big a burden on the teacher! Certainly a good teacher can really help, but it is still the parent's job to make sure that the child practices. It is a rare child that enjoys practicing and will practice without any kind of reminders or prodding. I have found that to get the best results with younger children, a parent will have to sit with the child through most of the practice period to help them stay focused--certainly not a unique idea to me since that is the basis of the Suzuki method. And if you can't practice with them, at least practicing can be required.
The book says, "The main purpose of music education in childhood is to provide an effective outlet for feelings." This is something else I don't agree with. Obviously this is a desirable side effect of studying music, but studying music is an essential part of a child's well-rounded education. Studying music teaches a discipline that is not found in many other areas.
I have mixed feelings about this book. If you really have a hard time speaking in a way that is kind and respectful to your child, you might find it helpful. However, this is the only way in which it will help you. It does not help parents in other areas, such as discipline, teaching responsibility, etc. and that is too bad.
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