"Move Forward Together With a Common Vision"
Note: Tammy Hill, one of the teachers, is a big believer in Living Your Why. She does a podcast on this: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/live-your-why/id1549927114. She has an Instagram page: tammy_hill_lmft. She also has a worksheet on figuring out what your "why" is: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1do1tdLsRCBwMjW1TdNmptfEyqoxnA627/view
Principles of Week 2:
1. Scaling. Scaling is a concise way to figure out where you and your partner are at. For example, when trying to decide on an activity, you ask your partner, How much does this matter to you on a scale of 1 to 10? 1 is "not at all" and 10 is "it's imperative." For example, how much do you want to go on a walk? One person might say 3 and the other person might say 8. When you're really far apart on an activity, then maybe one person will do it alone and the other won't. But if you want to spend time together, then maybe you'll both do the activity with the idea that maybe some other time, you will compromise in the other direction.
An example they gave was how they went on a 6-week vacation on the Oregon coast. It was actually really difficult because they were not being totally honest with each other about the activities they wanted to do and they were trying to manage each other's emotions by agreeing to do things they didn't really want to do. Finally, they recognized this and started using the scaling. For example, Jeff wanted to go on a dune buggy ride--he was a 10--and Tammy really didn't--she was a 0. So they decided that this time, Jeff would go with some other people and she would enjoy being by herself for a while.
2. "Checking In" This is a tool used with Scaling to assess how you and your partner are doing. They recommend doing this once a week. One person gets asked:
On a scale of 1 to 10, where are you:
--Physically
--Spiritually
--Sexually
--Emotionally
Jeff also adds the categories of Financially and Intellectually.
After giving each category a number, then maybe the spouse will ask what it would take to get a little better.
Finally, you ask, How well are you being true to yourself? Or, in other words, how well are you being your best self? Sometimes humans don't emotionally regulate very well--we use immature ways to deal with our problems such as yelling, screaming, overeating, overspending, swearing, viewing pornography, etc. So asking this question is a safer way to ask someone how they are dealing with life especially if someone has an addiction. It's a good opportunity to be accountable to someone else for behaviors you'd like to overcome.
Assignment: do a check-in with your spouse. Scott and I tried this and it was a good conversation. It was good to think about various areas of our lives and explore topics we might not otherwise talk about.
3. Make Appropriate Complaints. Last week we learned about saying Specific, True, and Positive things to our spouses. The complement to this is to make appropriate complaints in the proper proportion (5 positives for every 1 negative). This will help our marriages come closer to reaching their potential.
Appropriate complaints should be Specific, True, Negative and Actionable. Explaining the last one, Jeff told us when he would ask his first wife how he could be a better husband, she would tell him, You could grow 4 inches. Obviously, this met the first three requirements but he couldn't do anything about it--so it's not a very helpful complaint.
Complaints are not criticisms. An example he gave of an appropriate complaint was when he forgot to put gas in the car on Saturday which negatively impacted Tammy on Monday when she needed to drive it. So she told him, "There is no gas in the Lexus. I'm upset you didn't fill it up on Saturday when we agreed you would do it. I had to take the old mini-van to work. Will you please fill it up tomorrow?
A criticism would be more accusatory and global. For example, "Can't you remember to do anything? You're always so careless and inconsiderate." That is not an appropriate complaint but more of an attack.
4. Be Appropriately Attached. We were taught a little bit about the Hold Me Tight marital attachment therapy. When you have a safe emotional connection, you can be as you are with the other person, the key ingredient being friendship. Sometimes when we don't have appropriate attachments to our parents as we grow up, that can create problems in our future relationships. Jeff told us how his mother really struggled at the beginning of his life to be a good mother until she found out she had a major thyroid problem. After that, she was able to be a much better mother. But as a result of those early years, Jeff finds himself being very insecure in his relationships with a fear of abandonment.
Jeff taught us that there are 3 bases of safe emotional connection:
Accessibility: Are you easy for your spouse to reach by phone, text, etc.? When he was first dating Tammy, he was also dating another woman. The other woman was very hard to reach by phone or text but Tammy was much better at responding.
Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally? One time they went on a trip to Maui together. It was actually not a great vacation because Tammy was feeling miserable due to hormonal issues. They went on a hike and she just started crying. Jeff just held her not saying anything while she cried, helping her with her pain. She told him she really appreciated that. Sometimes feelings are more important than facts.
Engagement: Am I most important to you? Do I know you will value me and stay close? Last week on the night of our class, Jeff wanted to do some last-minute preparations to be ready but Tammy was feeling a little down and asked him if he would watch a show with her. She lay with her head on his lap while they sat on the couch and they were able to have a little emotional bonding as he gave up something he wanted to do to respond to her emotional needs.
This helped remind me that I have an eternal relationship with my husband. He is very important to me and I need to treat him that way and not get distracted by less important things.
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